A Poem Because They Help Me

All throughout school I have been majorly discouraged when it comes to English. I never felt supported in my understanding of the world. When I finally was, it went away too quickly. And everything kept going on so I was forced to fill in the gaps. Whatever I decided was correct never ended up being right in the eyes of whoever saw it. Then I would try to change but so would my surroundings and I was wrong to them now. So I am left in the first year of uni trying to understand things that teachers have always assumed come naturally to everyone.

I felt stupid wanting to ask my teacher for an explanation, then getting told to me what was just said or a spiel that sounded more like "You should know what you are doing stop treating me like I am here to teach you". Which is why I stopped asking entierly and decided to work through it myself. now I spell funny and I can never use punctuation in the formal way because I taught myself the english language. I am not illiterate by any means but I have learned to experience the world from within and not relied on writing it down. I have learned to articulate it in my head and my inability to write my thoughts has started to impact my ability to speak them too.

Now after these past few months I have turned back toward the path that I let get overgrown by the vines and shrubs I planted there. I never wanted to see it again. Never wanted to retrace the path of my past failures. But I need to, to find a way to actually fix what I have done. But these plants have roots so deep that I will never pull out. Instead I just have to prune them and accept that this is me and move forward from there. Which is why I tried to learn to write poems they let me place my thoughts down in a different way which lets me push past the hedges in my way.

Admitidly with some people saying it I have decided it would be useful to me to share one of the poems that I have written. I am slowly getting better over time but this will be a difficult journey. But I won't give up! All I ask is to please understand where I am coming from and maybe to get feedback as that will help me learn.

The first poem is the first one I wrote that I actually felt like I was able to just put my emotions into words in a very long time even though it is more prose so this is more a piece that I am proud of me producing:

Unstoppable

Not because it's difficult

But because I shouldn't.

Only moving toward a goal

Forever in sight. 

No time to check back- 

Glances at best. 

Carrying it all together 

until standing feels no better. 

But standing isn't an option anymore. 

It should but I cannot 

It is too difficult

The next is one of my more recent poems:

It shouldn't hurt to have water

 

Until it is disguised in syrup 

"It's a sweet treat"

it's a replacement.

A sticky mess I caused myself

So full of sugar

Enough to make me wretch

Caving my chest in,

So I drink more.

Incomprehensible flavours

But people tell me what I should taste,

How do they do it

Find flavours that were never there.

Water is not boring

Water's just always there

Now I have hundreds of flavours

That I dont understand

I don't think I will ever forget the taste.

In time it will clear up.

My Biggest take away from this is don't be scared to take the first steps into self improvement! DON'T GIVE UP!